OFFSIDE | FIFA World Cup 2026: ‘Dictator’ Kylian Mbappé chases ‘GOAT’ Lionel Messi’s scoring record as Cristiano Ronaldo looks for redemption
Simon and Garfunkel once sang that the words of the prophet are written on the walls of the subway. They were only partially right because the truth of the gospel can be found in all forms of art, including cartoons. Take Paul Rigby’s cartoon headline in Sydney’s Daily Telegraph, which testified to the plight of England’s batters during the 1974-75 Ashes tour: “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if Thommo can’t get you, Lillee must.” The line became so apocryphal that it became part of not just cricket folklore but even military tactics, with then DGMO Lt Gen Rajiv Ghai using the phrase to denote the robustness of India’s air defense system.And for defenders facing the dictator Mbappé and his generals, they must feel the same foreboding that the English felt when facing Dennis Lillee or Jeff Thomson: If Mbappé doesn’t get you, Olise will. And if Olise doesn’t do it, maybe Dembélé. And if you avoid Dembele…You get the drift as this is a truly talented French attack that threatens to generate cricket scores with every click. Just ask Senegal and Iraq who couldn’t live with Mbappé et al. The scariest part is that you get the idea that even this bunch isn’t still playing at top speed, showing only glimpses of the brilliance of their craft.Take Mbappé’s first goal in which he touched the right one for the first time before deftly placing the ball into the goal with his left, which we’re told is not his stronger foot. The only thing that seems capable of stopping France in this form is the forces of nature, as it was 131 minutes before the game restarted and Mbappé found the net again, seemingly sparking a direct arms race with Lionel Messi. The latter has 18 in 28 games. Mbappé is 16 for 16, which is a truly terrifying number considering that this is football’s biggest stage, where even the biggest players suddenly have feet of clay.Speaking of Messi, he is on course to win the only award that has eluded him in football, the Golden Boot. Messi did it after scoring two goals against Austria in the Third Reich derby to move up to five goals and in any normal World Cup year five goals would be enough for the Golden Boot. Except this is no ordinary World Cup with Haaland and Mbappé hot on their heels. Maybe it wouldn’t be a contest if Messi was better at penalties.Despite being the GOAT, the Argentinian is pretty bad at penalties. Now all GOATS have their weak points. Shaquille O’Neal soaked up the free throws, averaging one in two. Virat Kohli has never quite solved his tendency to clumsily step on deliveries outside the off-stump. And Messi is a rather average penalty taker. He has 25 goals from 31 penalties in his international career. Including club matches, they have 116 in 149, or just 77%.In comparison, Cristiano Ronaldo, often called the Penaldo by his critics, has 211 penalties and still has a success rate of 83.8%, with 183 scored. Robert Lewandowski has the best record among elite players with a 91% record, while Harry Kane is at 89.2%. Even Ronaldo’s Portuguese teammate Bruno Fernandes has an 89.3% success rate from 75 penalties.Now, it should be noted that Messi often took away penalty duties from teammates and even “assisted” Luis Suárez, but for the GOAT of his stature, this is still a surprisingly average number.Speaking of GOATs, Erling Haaland was on hand to lead Norway to an entertaining 3-2 win over Senegal, making for a thrilling France vs Norway final group match. Haaland, whose blond tresses have often seen him nicknamed Targaryen, is roughly the size of one of the dragons from the House of Dragons, especially when he’s heckling the goalkeeper. The biggest shock this time was when he actually got to the ball and failed to score.Norway are back in the World Cup after 1998 when Haaland Sr played and they’re having the time of their lives with everyone from politicians to fans singing Viking lines and giving the marauding tribe a Disney-esque sporting twist, but then again it’s always directly correlated with skin colour.The next game sees France take on Norway and the internet is already awash with Batman vs Superman memes as two of the most talented players of their generation go head-to-head. Of course, France’s attack has more spikes than Norway’s, which is heavily reliant on Haaland and Odegaard, but it could still be a match for the ages.Finally, in the last game of the day, Algeria denied Jordan victory with two quick goals, leading commentators to say: Kobe would never. But perhaps the biggest talking point was Luca Zidane’s performance in goal. The Algerian got to Nizar Al-Rashdan’s strike but was unable to stop it hitting the net. In the first leg against Argentina, in which Messi scored twice, he made two dirty mistakes, but he might like to point the ball.
SAYING: HAVE A BALL
It was a fairly high-scoring World Cup, and one of the reasons is the ball that FIFA uses for the tournament. FIFA told the AP that the ball was designed with deep seams to provide “optimal stability in flight” so it rockets towards goalkeepers, as well as providing more grip when striking and dribbling in wet or damp conditions.Austria coach Ralf Rangnick told the AP: “This ball is fast as a cannonball. I think you saw today and the last couple of days that if you kick the ball in the right position, it’s extremely difficult to save it.”The adidas Trionda is unique in that it only has four thermally bonded panels, the lowest for a men’s World Cup ball. Former England goalkeeper Joe Hart noted that the ball was getting to the goalkeepers quicker than they expected. The four-panel design makes it aerodynamically different from other balls and can behave unpredictably when hit by spin.That, combined with more protection for the forwards – remember how England’s defenders brought down Maradona before he scored the Hand of God – meant this World Cup became a goalscorer.
View of Day 13: Redemption for the GOAT?
On Matchday 13, Ronaldo’s Portugal face Fabio Cannavara’s Uzbekistan and a talented Portuguese side will be hoping to get their campaign back on track after a devastating draw against the Democratic Republic of Congo.Cannavaro, who won the World Cup with Italy in 2006 after Zidane kicked the head and cursed Sarajevo, faces a squad some might argue is even more talented than Figo’s Golden Generation, with Bernardo Silva, Bruno Fernandes, Vitinho, Rafael Leão, Pedro Neto and João Neves. Of course, all eyes will be on Ronaldo, who stuttered in the first leg and whose gravitas of stardom with a toxic fandom threatens to derail the team and its momentum. Much has already been written about the storm on social media over João Neves’ innocuous comments that were taken out of context.Social media banter aside, one has to wonder if Portugal would be better off without their veteran GOAT, whose sphere of influence has diminished with age. On the other hand, anyone who has followed his career knows that his well of confidence is endless, and if anyone can push critics, it’s Ronaldo. To put his longevity into context, 211, or 16.9%, of this year’s World Cup participants were born after Ronaldo made his professional debut at Sporting Lisbon.
Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo reacts during the World Cup Group K soccer match between Portugal and Congo in Houston, Wednesday, June 17, 2026. (AP Photo/Ashley Landis)
Meanwhile, England take on Ghana and the English will find a familiar face in the opposite trench, with Ghana led by former Man Utd assistant coach and Alex Ferguson’s trusted right-hand man Carlos Queiroz. The game has the added benefit of England’s all-time leading scorer Harry Kane making his first appearance at “Boston Stadium,” but in a stadium that is actually known as Gillette Stadium and home to the New England Patriots and Tom Brady, the NFL’s best quarterback who won six titles with the Patriots before winning his seventh at the age of 43 in Tampa Bay.Kane, the self-proclaimed Brady stan, has long talked about becoming an NFL player once his playing days are over, but right now he’s determined to crack England’s trophies. The Three Lions have not won a major trophy since the 1966 World Cup, which they won on home soil, and with Kane finally getting his hands on silverware after swapping Spurs for Bayern Munich, he will be hoping to outdo Brady and finally get England that win. However, he is not alone and Tuchel has selected a talented England side to be with him, including the concept of rugby-style finishers. The term refers to the introduction of talented players at the death to ensure the team doesn’t run out of steam, as Morgan Rogers, Marcus Rashford and Bukayo Saka were introduced in the last 15 minutes against Croatia.On the other hand, Ghana’s attacking ambitions are led by Antoine Semenyo, who was born in London and plays for Manchester City in the Premier League.Croatia face Panama in Luka Modrić’s 200th game and Modrić can be both a problem and a solution for his team. The perennial World Cup winners only gained independence in 1991 but have finished second once, in 2018, and third twice, in 1998 and 2022. This year, however, the men in red and blue look lackluster, although a win could help them qualify. And finally, Colombia will face DR Congo, whose 5-3-2 system stopped Portugal and will also have their “statue” back in the stands.All in all, each team will have played two matches by the end of Day 13, giving a clearer idea of what to expect as we move into the Round of 32.
WE HAVE A WATCH
And the winner: Hydration Break with RonaldinhoPS: Thanks to Twitter users @SarathySatire, @vish0890, @vinit_shenoy and @n_aficionado for their contributions. If you have any memes to submit, tag @nonsensicalnemo and use the hashtag #TOIOFFSIDE.