Greater sensitization is required for trauma bonds. | Photo credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto
The recent killing of a 27-year-old pregnant woman by a commando sent to a special cell of the Delhi Police is a grim reminder that public projection of power does not necessarily change the reality of women within the closed walls of the home. She was killed by her husband using a barbell.
Why do women endure violence despite being financially independent? What makes them believe it will work for them despite indications to the contrary? What makes us as a society say that women are “making it up”? Who do we blame—the person who caused the harm, the woman who was harmed, the society that normalizes that harm, or the law that says marriage is sacred?
An example is recalling Paulette Kelly’s poem I Got Flowers Today, written in 1992 and dedicated to battered women. The final stanza goes like this: “I got flowers today/ Today was a special day — it was the day of my funeral/ He killed me last night/ If only I had the courage and strength to leave him…”
Vicious circle
The poem is based on the “cycle of violence” theory proposed by Lenore Walker (1979), which sheds light on the reasons that drive battered women to continue in abusive relationships. The theory talks about three predictable stages of violence – building tension, explosion and honeymoon. The violence does not stop and repeated exposure to the cycle of violence results in the abused person feeling powerless, reduced decision-making ability and the development of fear. The victim may begin to blame themselves for the violence and try to avoid any situation that precipitates the violence.
In Pushpa Dhoundiyal’s 2019 PhD study, “Gender and Policewomen: Exploring the Connections between Lived and Expressed Gender Definitions,” it became clear that simply achieving career or financial independence does not absolve women of their social obligations and gender differences. Interviews with female police officers in cells that offer fixed working hours would reveal the extent to which they greatly enjoy these positions, which allow them to attend to their family needs while delivering work. How far gender roles have changed even as we celebrate women’s participation in the formal workforce. The research participants shared that as women in the police force, they had to face more subjugation because of the suspicions expressed by their husband’s family about their domineering approach to their profession. They were expected to behave as less educated, obedient followers of elders and to show respect for the family’s culture.
The oral testimony of the deceased commando’s brother is evidence of the extent to which dowry continues to weaken relationships that are expected to be bonds of mutual respect and love. The expectation of marital gifts (mandatory dowry) prevailed in the marriages of 46 of the 48 female police officers in the aforementioned research. Today’s wedding expenses defy logic and raise expectations that are difficult for most wedding families to meet. How much time a couple spends preparing for marriage, and how much time they spend preparing arrangements for the wedding, as if the latter were the real determinant of a marriage’s well-being.
This case also shows the emotional violence that prevailed before marriage. What Makes Women Ignore or Downplay Red Flags in the “Courtship Season”? According to her brother, female police officers who attended commando training with the victim shared countless nights spent crying over conversations her male partner (later husband) had with her. They found it difficult to understand what made her endure the repeated abuse and kept trying to persuade her to reconsider her decision to marry the man. The brother comes to the victim’s defense, saying she loved “him” so much that she couldn’t think of another partner. “Stockholm syndrome” was used to describe this phenomenon by Nils Johan Artur Bejerot, a Swedish psychiatrist and criminologist, in 1974, now referred to as traumatization (a relationship where the connection defies logic and is very difficult to break) and narcissistic or psychopathic abuse of victims. The abuser downplays the victim’s achievements leading to a decrease in self-esteem (Logan, 2018).
Debt trap
Financial violence against women is taking new forms and women are being trapped by being asked to take out loans in their name. Coercive control is applied where they have no choice but to continue in a relationship that may offer them nothing in the way of reciprocity. The late warden’s position was no different with the loans she took to the extent that her monthly salary was not enough to repay the installments. Coercive tactics bury women in a position of no return.
What does a savior do when they need to be saved? In theory, there is nothing to prevent them from accessing the same institutional mechanism that others resort to, but the costs they may have to pay create considerable reluctance. It’s hard to stake what is truly theirs and something that apparently makes them powerful.
Recognizing the unique challenges of women in policing is imperative. There is a significant body of literature that addresses job stressors for women in the police force. Little or no attention is paid to the challenges they may experience in the domestic arena, both because of professional demands and because of the perception of their work status. This requires attention in the field of occupational social work. Occupational social work as a specialized field has the potential to address the needs of workers under stress (Forgey et al., 2023). Also worthy of careful attention are the recommendations of research on job stress and mental health of the police in India, conducted by the National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (NIMHANS) with the support of the Bureau of Police Research and Development (1996).
Incidents of this nature result in calls for retaliation against the accused. Instead, the loss of two precious lives (one born and one unborn) should serve as a wake-up call for greater discussion on how to prevent such horrific incidents from happening again. Greater sensitization is required for trauma bonds. The feelings of “love” held by the victim are a psychological survival mechanism to cope with terror, threats and isolation. Victims should be reassured that they are worthy regardless of the abuser’s attempts to insult them. Providing a safe and nurturing environment with intentional distancing from the abuser will help victims regain lost self-confidence and overcome the fear of not being able to survive without the abuser.
Premarital counseling is an often repetitive proposition with limited implementation. Promoting such interventions as a community-based program is much needed where civil society could play a significant role. It is essential to create a work environment where individuals are not judged for having the courage to talk about their vulnerabilities. It’s time to stop being prescriptive and allow a psychologically safe space to listen in the truest sense to understand before you respond. It’s time to start talking about partner well-being in relationships and marriages and ways to ensure it.
Neelam Sukhramani is Professor in the Department of Social Work, Jamia Millia Islamia, New Delhi; Pushpa Dhoundiyal was a research fellow under her guidance. Opinions expressed are personal
Published – 02 March 2026 20:34 IST
